My wife received a call today from one of her girlfriends.  It was not good news, and had something to do with me.

About fifteen years ago while going to college, I use to work weekends at my fathers deli in NYC.  Two doors down was a XXX dvd store.  The two guys that owned it ate in our deli a couple of times a day.  Over the years we became friends.  One day in the early summer partner one stopped in for a coffee, and asked me to stop in around two, because they were having some big porn star do an autograph session.

Two o’clock came and went.  I had forgotten about the greet and meet that they were having, as I was leaving the store partner number two grabbed me, and dragged me in to meet this porn star.  It turns out the greet and meet had come to an end, and we all decided to go for a drink.  Needless to say, I wound up back at my apartment with this “actress”.  We fucked, and to be honest I expected more from a professional.  Perhaps it was that I knew that she was a pro, or maybe it was that she was not making any money. 

In the morning we spoke over a cup of coffee.  It turn out she was in the city making her next film.  She asked if I would consider being on film with her.  I was young, and dumb at the time, soI said yes.  Here was the only problem.  She was only filming for two more days, and by law we needed to have an the results of my aids test.  Two days was not enough time for all that bull shit.  She came up with a game plan that worked out for me.  She would only give me head.  Awesome, no aids test needed. 

Her creativity kicked in, and she convinced me to open my fathers deli at four in the morning, and film there.  The young idiot in me agreed.  We stayed up all night partying, and at four we went to the deli and shot our scene.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t keep my dick up, and the friend she brought along to do the fluffing was not that attractive.  Finally the five minutes that we needed for our scene was completed.

Here is the part that I don’t get.  The film never amounted to anything, and the $100 I got came and went.  How in the hell did my wifes friend find this piece of history.  I am willing to bet that most of you could not find it on-line today, even if I gave you her name.  I am lost.  I denied everything to my wife.  How do I get myself out of this one?

For the last month or so, I have been chatting with this girl online.  Super hot, 27 years old, runs her own clothing boutique… I guess what many guys would be looking for in a potential girl friend.  Last night we decide to meet for the first time.  I chose to go to a local restaurant.  I love this place because everyone makes you feel at home, and that you are part of the family.  I arrived ten minutes early and sat at the bar.  Being a raging alcoholic I sucked down a greygoose martini.  After sitting at the bar for a half an hour I sucked down a second.  Anyone that knows me knows that I am anal about being on time.  I was pissed that she was late and had not called, So I decided to leave.  As I was paying for my two drinks my phone rang.  Her excuse was that she was in traffic, and would be there in five minutes.  I gave her strike one and decided to wait, so I ordered another drink.  Here came strike two.  As she pulled up to the restaurant my phone rang again, and she asked me to come outside to meet her.  I was already pissed that I was sitting around for the last half hour waiting, and I had a buzz going. 

Being the gentleman that I try to be, I went out side to meet her.  She pulled up in a convertible Bentley.  Real nice car.  She looked even hotter than the pictures she had sent me.  I walked around to the drivers side to open the door for her.  The first thing that I noticed was a set of crutches in the back seat.  These were not the type of crutches that you get after spraining your ankle.  These were those special ones.  You know, the ones that get locked around your elbow.  I was confused. I think that I was even in denial.  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know if I should run.  There was so much going through my head in that split second, that the first thing that I could get out of my mouth was.  “Who’s are those!?”  After I said this I felt like such a dick, but I had to know.  There was still this ounce of hope that they were her mothers, and she simply forgot to take them out of the car when she was dropped off???  She looked at me with disgust, and said “It’s a long story, would you give me a hand getting out of the car?”  Just in case you couldn’t tell that was strike three.  Not because she needed crutches, but after speaking to someone for a month you would think that it would come up.

After sitting down and ordering some food and a bottle of wine,  I slowly forgot about the crutches.  We spoke about a lot of things and it turns out that she has multiple sclerosis.  The dinner and the conversation went well.  Better than most first dates. 

After dinner we had another bottle of wine, and ended up back at my place.  The one thing that surprised me is that she has problems walking, but she fucks like an animal.  She fucked me as if M.S. was not in her vocabulary.  We fucked all night.  Usually after the festivities come to an end, there is some awkwardness.  You know the awkwardness that I am talking about.  Not sure how long you need to hang around before leaving, or how long to wait before telling them to leave, or even coming up with an excuse for them to leave.  No, not this gem.  She beat me to the punch.  She got up, and said she had a busy day at work tomorrow.  That’s usually my line, and I never have a busy day at work.  Actually now that I think about it I feel like I was used.

A lesson was learned today my friends.  Normally after a third strike, the date/relationship is over.  This time my conscience would not let me leave this crippled chick on the side of the road wondering how I disappeared so quick.  The guilt allowed me to be a good person for once, and look I ended up having handicap sex.  It was a first for me, and something I will have to try again. 

Your friend,

Troy Mouni

I walked in the house last night after a long day a work.  In my wifes defence I did stop for two drinks with my brother for a pre-thanksgiving cocktail.  Back to the story.  I walk in the house two hours after my normal time.  She was pissed.  I, as always acted as if nothing was wrong, and that she shouldn’t be mad.  Over the years I have realized that I get a bigger reaction when I do this.  I guess I am a little demented, being that I enjoy the reaction.  The yelling and the arguing continued for an hour or so.  I usually don’t ague, as it is not in my nature to do so.  The thing that got to me this time is:

• I never say anything when she spend the day with her sister shopping, having lunch, grabbing a glass of wine…
• I never give her shit for not having anything cooked because she was out all day gallivanting.
• I never argue with her for spending money on things that we have no use for: Example ( a  $25 thousand dollar dinning room set that we have used four times in the last seven years.)

The list could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.  I decided to go to bed after an hour of this.

At two am I was startled and woke up to my wife hovering over me.  Being dazed and confused, I jumped up and asked what she was doing?  She proceeded to tell me “you were snoring”.  Now she usually just elbows me in the ribs and I turn over and stop.  I could have sworn that she was doing something else. Perhaps I have been watching to many movies, or have a crazy imagination.  I think she was trying to kill me.  Why else would she be leaning over my body wide awake?  I was confused, and had to share this with someone.  I know that I am over reacting, but at that particular moment that’s  what came to my head.  I thought that I was a dead man.

After months of trying to work shit out with my significant other, I have decided to declare myself in an open relationship (without my significant other knowing).  I am not jumping into another relationship right away because I am currently already in one.  What I am doing though is having “trial gf’s”.  What a trial gf is is a girl that can become a gf as long as she completes a specified number of tasks within a certain time period (mostly 2 weeks to 1 month).  The girl who completes the most tasks with the least amount of complaints becomes my new gf. 

There are a number of tasks that are given out: pick up my dry cleaning, come over and clean, cook me dinner, run some errands, foot the bill at dinner, drive my drunk ass home, late night sex (it’s a pro if you have multiple trial gf’s), etc.

Girls can get cut at any point and time.  It’s not like they have to last the whole month.  They can get cut after the first day if they complain or argue about something.  Darwinism…only the strongest survive. 

I currently have 2 trial gf’s and they are both neck and neck while my actual significant other is falling extremely behind.  Both trial gf’s picked up my dry cleaning (although one, was one day late) and they came over to put the clothes in my closet in color coordinated order.  My actual SO told me I was lazy and she wasn’t my mother to go do such things (shame on her to say such a thing).

I will keep you all updated as things progress.  I am currently in discussions with a 3rd and 4th trial gf to add to the mix.  This should get interesting.

So after playing eighteen holes, I strolled in my house around five.  I had a few drinks, but was not drunk.  My wife persisted on busting my chops, and making me feel guilty for not spending the day with her and the kids.

I just don’t understand why anything that puts a smile on my face, is always a problem in m marriage, relationship, and life.  My day was great, and now I feel like shit.  Is that the way I am suppose to feel after a great day out on the course?

I just don’t get it!

Today was a special day.  A day that I will remember forever. 

It was extremely busy at work today and I busted my ass and sweated it out (it didn’t help that I only slept 4 hours last night because I decided to go crazy at a strip club last night).  So here I am busting my ass and my girl decides to let me know that she was going to see someone today to “discuss” our relationship and why things are the way they are (ie. Why I’ve cheated on her repeatedly and whatnot.)  So, right away I texted my best friend that my girl was going to leave me the moment she finished discussing our relationship.

She calls me when she is done and let’s me know that she went and discussed everything and she felt great and couldn’t wait till next week to “discuss” things again.  My best friend texted me “Is she leaving you” and I responded with “no”.  I sensed something was fucked up here and couldn’t figure out what it was.

So, after working 12 hours I call my girl and for the first five minutes she is the sweetest person in the world.  Then, we talk about her visit today.  Wow, let me tell you.  I was not ready for this.  So it turns out that:

*Because I’ve looked through her phone – It’s a sign of disrespect towards her                                                 

*Because I hate her friends – I’m a controlling person

*Because I tell her she’s worthless – I’m a degrading person

*Because I cheat all the time – I’m an insecure person

So my girl is flipping out on me telling me all of this and then tells me she never wants to see me again unless I change.  I said to her “I guarantee that you didn’t make yourself look bad at all in front of this person”, where she replied “fuck you”.  I said thank you babe that meant a lot.  So, if you want to leave me please do so now so I can eat my dinner in peace after working 12 fucking hours.  Low and behold she didn’t leave.  So now I have to respond to all those kinds things that were discussed about me today.

*Babe I cheat on you because you don’t add value to my life, not because I’m insecure.

*I look through your phone because I don’t trust you, not because I’m disrespectful.

*I call you worthless because you don’t cook, clean, knit, pick up after me, pick up my dry cleaning, run my errands, etc.

*And lastly, I don’t like your friends because they are all pretty fucking trashy.

So there, I vented and it feels great.  Thank you married but miserable.

(disclaimer: I actually do love my girl and wouldn’t trade her in for anything less, but I would trade her in for something better.)

I was driving to work today and heard a song from way back.  It really made me think.  The lyrics were a little out there, but made me think.  Here are the lyrics.

“I used to love her,
But i had to kill her
I used to love her,
But i had to kill her

I had to put her, six feet under
And I can still hear her complain

I used to love her,
But I had to kill her
I used to love her,
But I had to kill her

I knew I’d miss her,
So I had to keep her
She’s buried right in my backyard

I used to love her,
But I had to kill her
I used to love her,
But i had to kill her

She bitched so much,
She drove me nuts
And now we’re happier this way, alright

I used to love her,
But I had to kill her
I used to love her
But I had to kill her

She bitched so much,
She drove me nuts
And I can still hear her complain”

I thank “Guns N Roses” for the wonderful lyrics.  The killing part does not interest me, but it does make the song.  The last few lines of the song are what drove me to write this blog.

“She bitched so much,
She drove me nuts
And I can still hear her complain”

I feel I live this every day.

I understand that raising kids is not an easy task.  Getting them to listen is even more difficult.  At the end of the day they are just kids, and as they say “kids will be kids”.

My wife seems to be on edge from the moment she gets up, to the time she goes to bed.  I have noticed a few mothers that don’t seem to lose their cool every time their kids act up.  At first I was amazed at their patience.  I would look at my wife and ask why she couldn’t act like them.  I just recently found out from a friend that most if not all those mothers are on xanax.  If I am going to put my wife down for the way she acts without any type of medication, and put the other medicated mothers on a pedestal, I’ll be damned.

I see that there is a tremendous difference in the way that they behave, but I also want a wife that is 100% aware of here surroundings when watching my children.  I take back all the compliments that I gave to the mothers that seemed to have it under control, while they were receiving help from XANAX.  I would also like to give those same compliments to my wife, mother, cousins, aunts, next door neighbor, lady in the produce section at kings super market yesterday… and all other out of control mothers out there.  I love you all.  You are all doing a great job raising our children.  Keep yelling at them, and making me ( a xanax free American) proud!!!

My wife and I have a baby girls, so only one car seat is needed per car.  The other day her sister came over with her kid, and they took the car seat out of my car to go shopping.  No big deal.  Both car seats are in my wife’s car now. 

Thursdays have become the day that my baby girl and I spend together.  We go out for breakfast, stop by the park, go visit my parents…  This is also the day that my wife gets to do her things. Like: nails, hair, lunch with an old friend… a day to herself.  I love this day, and so does she.

I get my daughter and myself ready for our day out.  As we get to the car I see that my car seat has not been put back.  No car seat = no going out.  I call my wife who has been out of the house for an hour already, explain the situation, and get this as a response.  ” Oh, I guess you two will have to stay home today.”  

I don’t mind staying home, and I understand that mistakes do happen.  What I don’t understand is, if this had been the other way around heads would have rolled.  I would have had to come home to drop the car seat off. 

Why is this double standard ok?  Why do I have to put up with this shit?  I could have flipped my lid.  Why is it that I have started to avoid conflict?  Why have I become such a pussy?  Why, Why, Why…